Misophonia and Self-Injury

This is a warning - this post will include an account of self-injurious behavior. This isn't going to be one of my more uplifting posts. Read on if you can handle that and want to gain insight into the most difficult aspect of my disorder. I felt I needed to address this issue if I wanted to continue sharing my experience openly and honestly.

     Misophonia impacts my life in a lot of ways. It kind of tends to take over everything on the bad days. Good days are any where I don't end up hitting myself, and unfortunately, that's not most days.

     When I first "got" Misophonia, my reaction to paper sounds was a feeling of pure hatred and rage. The feeling is not voluntary and at the time I had no idea why this was happening. I couldn't move past those feelings and would focus on the source of the sound - usually a classmate or teacher, sending my mental hate rays to them, hoping they would somehow sense my distress and cease-fire. Nope, didn't work.

     Eventually I started to rip paper up in response to the trigger sounds. Until I did that, I couldn't move past it. Sometimes I would just need one rip. Sometimes I had to keep ripping up and messing with paper for an extended period of time before it was enough. My purse is usually full of receipt paper in varying stages of destruction.

     Once I started to get new triggers, I realized that what I did compulsively in response to the paper sounds (tearing paper) didn't work on these new triggers. I started to develop new compulsions. In response to door slamming, clapping and repeated tapping sounds, I box my ears with one or both hands. Sometimes I'll just hit my ears a couple of times. But when the trigger is severe enough, I will go on boxing my ears until they are ringing and I can't fully hear. It's an almost trance-like feeling, swirling with anger and hateful emotions when it's very severe. Sometimes the ringing goes on for a couple of days after the episode. In the worst instances, I will hit other parts of my body as well. This is not pre-meditated self harm, but a compulsive reaction to certain stimuli.

     The emotional toll these incidents take on me is immense. I usually end up in tears, continuing to hit myself until I can stop. It makes me hate myself, hate my lack of control and the fact that I have this disorder at all. I hate the fact that I have to worry about normal, everyday sounds because my response to them is so harmful. Even when I'm in a great mood, if I end up having a self-injury episode, I'm done for the day- defeated. Anticipating episodes like this brings me to avoid a lot of situations and I often find myself sitting in my car, a safe spot.

     As far as I know, I'm not the only one who's Misophonia is so severe that there is engagement in self-injurious behaviors. Mimicking the trigger sounds and other compulsive behaviors are documented symptoms of Misophonia. However, there just isn't a ton of research or information on this disorder, especially extreme cases that involve self-injury. I am looking into solutions but I am having to do a lot of the research myself as there is no obvious answer or treatment that has worked for most sufferers. Many treatments are experimental at best.

     I know that I'm damaging my hearing. Long term, I will suffer from hearing loss. It will probably start with my right ear, the one I hit the most. I'm working on finding solutions to this problem but it's definitely the most discouraging thing I deal with. I'm really grateful for the ongoing support of my friends and loved ones who do what they can. I'm especially thankful for my boyfriend, who has changed his habits to accommodate my disorder, and who has gotten me more used to the idea of accepting help from others. Thank you for pushing me to maintain a positive outlook and not give up. I won't.


Kaitlyn