Writing out personal stuff had kind of a strange effect on me. Before and in the wake of my first blog posts, it somehow felt like writing was going to really make things feel better. It did, for about five seconds. Then I still had Misophonia and of course writing down my symptoms and triggers didn't make them go away. This brought on a strange, brief depression.
The depression ended and my grandparents went away for a few weeks. I lived alone in the house for that time, with just my pets for company. It was very relaxing and I have an upcoming post on isolation that will cover my range of thoughts on that subject. Currently other things have been on my mind. Internally, I am fighting very hard to reach acceptance and some days are better than others. Writing a post kind of makes me go, "There! You wrote about acceptance, and so you must have reached acceptance!" Or "You wrote about your triggers so you have power over them now!". But none of that is really true.
I feel like trying to be an advocate, write down my experience and spread awareness gives me some of my motivation to go on. But then there is the voice inside that tells me that I'm not really beating this, I'm not overcoming it a lot of the time. Does that mean I shouldn't try to be a voice for anyone else? What sort of example does that put out for anyone that reads this? Some of the time, it seems like most of my days are bad days. A lot (and I mean a lot lot) of days I feel like this just isn't getting any better so there is no point in trying. I have such negative thoughts and my mind struggles to focus on the positive. I think that's probably true for a lot people with Misophonia.
So today I'm not really here to tell anyone to try and fake happiness until they are happy. Life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks for a while. Sometimes certain parts suck forever and it isn't going to change. I'm not going to kid myself into assuming that one day I'm going to wake up and not have Misophonia anymore. But some days I will wake up and not be particularly sad or angry. Some days I will wake up and go through a day when I am only triggered a few times, or I only have one meltdown and then later that day I have ice cream, and that's pretty okay. Some days will just be (my) normal days and right now I'm working on that being enough to keep me going. That's a goal, right?